The Archivist by Martha Cooley

Author:Martha Cooley [COOLEY, MARTHA]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: FIC019000
ISBN: 9780316049498
Publisher: Little, Brown and Company
Published: 2008-11-15T05:00:00+00:00

Last week I asked Matt what he misses when he finds himself missing me. He paused for a long time.

It’s hard to name, he said. Your presence. The way things feel when you’re home.

You didn’t always like the way things feel, I said.

He didn’t look at me. He stood at the window, staring out.

No, I didn’t, he said. You’re right. But that doesn’t matter. I still miss what’s not there.

(Not wanting to say what’s gone.)

How do you sleep? I asked.

(His body curved along mine, one arm under my pillow, the other crooked over my midriff, forearm between my breasts, palm cupping my collarbone; his breathing low and deep until one of his bad dreams, then shallow, faster, more urgent, his forearm pulling me closer to him, his entire body pressed hard, seeking refuge; his breathing an echo of his mother’s at the end, her ardent wheeze, that indrawn suck of air — unavailing, painful, pointless.)

I don’t sleep much, he said.

His profile at the window, a clear silhouette.

Do you want me to come home, I said.

What I want (his head turning, his eyes finally meeting mine) doesn’t matter.

If it doesn’t, what does?

I don’t know (his eyes closing), I don’t know, Judith, why do you always ask —

— because I have to know what you want. If you want me.

You know that, he said. You know that’s not it.

Then what is it, I said, tell me, look at me, look at me for Christ’s sake!

(Once again spiraling, balance and proportion gone.)

I can’t, he said, I can’t live like this, I can’t be with you now. In this way.

What are you saying, I asked.

I’m saying we have to be apart. You have to go through this alone. I have to wait.

The door opened. I can’t be sure what really happened next. Something gave way, I heard Matt say wait and it wasn’t Powell at the door but the surly one, the man I loathe, and I went for him. He must’ve had to hit me to stop me. I found myself on the floor, he must’ve thrown me there on my back and I went for his neck but he pinned my hands and I closed my eyes and felt Matt’s breath at my ear, heard his terrified voice — for God’s sake Judith don’t, please not this! —

— but I couldn’t trust that he’d stay, that he’d help me with the Repair. And no one would redeem us. And I couldn’t go home.

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